Is This Normal? What Your Child’s Challenging Behavior Might Really Be Telling You

You ask your child to brush their teeth and they burst into tears; they push back over the smallest request, get stuck on routines, or melt down when things don’t go as planned; they stop saying "yes" to things they feel are hard or unpredictable; they lash out unexpectedly.

This is when parents reach out to me and start wondering: Is this just normal kid behavior or is something else going on? 

If you’ve found yourself Googling “how to help my child with tantrums” or “is anxiety in children normal?” while holding it all together at the end of a long day, you're not alone. It's a common, quiet question. You’re not looking to overreact, but you also don’t want to miss something important. And the truth is, what we often call “challenging behavior” is actually a nervous system calling out for help.

So let's get into what's going on.

Understanding What’s Behind Your Child’s Behavior Problems

When behavior is loud, there’s usually something quiet going on underneath. 

Whether your child has tantrums that seem too intense for their age, shows signs of anxiety, low frustration tolerance, or symptoms that resemble ADHD (diagnosed or not) these patterns are worth paying attention to - not to pathologize your child, but to support them more effectively.

What’s underneath the behavior is usually a combination of three things: stress, missing skills, and biological factors that make it hard to cope.

3 Ways To Support Emotional Regulation in Children

If your child is showing ongoing behavior challenges (tantrums, anxiety, emotional outbursts, or difficulty with focus), it helps to look through a wider lens.

There are three interrelated areas that shape how children function and cope. And when one or more are out of sync, behavior often follows.

1. Tools and Emotional Regulation Skills
Most developmental psychologists agree, children need skills. Whether they learn these through parents, books, coaches, or mentors, knowing how to manage one's frustrations and feelings is a skill kids need to learn.

They need tactics. They need tools.

So when things are going sideways, ask yourself: does my child have the skills they need to manage this situation?

2. Biological Resources
We can’t separate the body from the brain. The importance and nuance of how biological factors influence nervous system flexibility is undervalued but is, thankfully, gaining momentum. 

Inflammation turns up circulating messages of threat, fear, and worry so they overpower messages of calm and safety. When we lack biological resources we end up with an inflamed body, a nervous system that is stuck, and a child who remains stressed despite our best efforts.

There are 5 main sources of inflammation that keep kids stuck: nutrient imbalances, food reactions, gut microbiome imbalances, toxins, and infections. Problems in any of those areas interfere with the nervous system's ability to manage stress.

3. Neural Pathways and Learned Behavior
Kids with chronic stress, anxiety, or ADHD-like symptoms may be wired for reactivity and caught in patterns. But over the last 20 years we have learned how flexible the nervous sytem actually is. Pathways in the brain can be reorganized and re-trained, shifting the default responses from fight-or-flight to flexibility and trust.

Therapies like Neruofeedback, Brain Stimulation, Brain Gym, Somatic Experiencing, and even exercise and meditation can help retrain and repattern neural pathways. As a parent, focusing on repeated, safe, co-regulated experiences, supportive language and connection can help a reactive nervous system learn to expect calm, not chaos. 

You’re Not Overthinking It, You’re Paying Attention

If you’re asking, Is this normal? you’re already showing up with attunement. You don’t need a formal diagnosis to start responding differently. You just need the insight that behavior is communication, and regulation is a skill set that can be supported.

So, consider the three areas I've outlined here as they relate to your child:

1. Does your child have the Skills/Tactics they need to manage?
2. Is there runaway inflammation that has not yet been considered? 
3. Are they stuck in learned patterns of behaivor and is it time to try retraining those neural pathways?

Which have you considered? Which needs some attention?

This is how you can meet your child where they are and support them from the inside out.

This isn’t permissive. It’s targeted. Your child doesn't need a perfect parent. They need a steady one. One who sees past the behavior and responds to what’s underneath.

If you’re doing that - even just starting to - it means you’re already doing more than you think.

Related Posts:

https://www.jesssherman.com/blog/the-foundational-trifecta-for-resilient-health

https://www.jesssherman.com/blog/amino-acids-for-mental-wellness-in-kids

https://www.jesssherman.com/blog/3-Things-Every-Parent-Needs-To-Know-About-The-Gut-Brain-Connection

https://www.jesssherman.com/blog/child-mental-health