7 Ways to Raise Emotionally Resilient, Healthy Kids (what I'd say to my younger self)
When I became a mom, I hoped and prayed that love and good intentions would be enough.
I think you'll agree... not knowing how we're ever going to keep this beautiful new little human we love beyond what we thought was imaginable, safe and healthy, is damn scary!
As they grow, add in the complexity of the world, politics, relationships, money, behaviors, decisions... All The Things... and overwhelm quickly creeps in and takes hold.
I wrote about how I managed this overwhelm as a new mom in the introduction of my book, but now, with three teenagers and nearly 20 years helping families under my belt, I can clearly see what would have helped me breathe easier as a new mom.
In this article, I offer you seven foundational ideas. Some were intuitive, and some I learned as I went. But had I felt secure in them sooner, I think I would have avoided a lot of worry and stress.
For those "skimmers" out there, here's a Table Of Contents with direct links:
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Pay Particular Attention to Attachment - it's the Foundation of Nervous System Health
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Keep Insisting on Good Food - Food is More Than Fuel (And The Immune System and Gut Are Key)
No matter where you are in your parenting - whether you're raising toddlers or teens - trust in these insights. They can help you build emotional resilience, stronger bodies, and a more peaceful home.
Attachment Is the Foundation of Nervous System Health
Newborns arrive with a nervous system that can't yet self-regulate. They quite literally borrow regulation from us - particularly moms... that's the biology of it.
This early nervous system experience shapes their attachment, which becomes the foundational framework for all their future relationships.
Secure attachment wires the brain for safety and resilience. It is the foundation of nervous system health and is how kids learn to manage stress. It deserves careful consideration.
I wish I had really trusted this in the early days, and really understood that my main role was to establish secure attachment. The good news is that I have since learned that attachment is also biological and that it is rewirable. I've built this insight right into my coaching because when a child is struggling with moodiness, tantrums, anger, rage, anxiety, or any other behavior concern you can't seem to get a handle on, there's an attachment issue that needs re-wiring.
Parenting takeaway:
For dads and co-parents - your primary goal in the early days is to make sure mom is ok. Your baby is attuning to her nervous system, so take whatever you can off her plate so she can do this work.
For moms later on in the journey - you don’t have to be perfect, and you don't have to lie to your kids about being ok when you're not. But you do need to be present. The more work you can put into supporting your own nervous system, the more well-adjusted your kids will be. Your nervous system is your child’s teacher.
For adoptive parents - this is a whole different topic for another time, but the attachment pain of not being able to attune to the nervous system a child got used to for 9 months in utero can be a significant contributor to their anxiety and mood struggles later on (I'll write about this elsewhere). All the concepts in this article still apply to adopted kids, but you may have a little extra work to do with re-wiring attachment.
2. Dependence Comes Before Independence
We hear the message “teach kids to be independent”, and very often applaud young independence. But actually, kids are better off if we first foster dependence on caring adults, then let them find independence later.
Looking back, I now know that when my eldest clung to me at preschool drop-off and my youngest needed to come into our bed at night, I wasn't failing. They were leaning on me to gather the strength to stand on their own. Let them. I'm glad I let them.
As they grow, we serve kids well when we foster dependence by crafting situations where they rely on our expertise. If you can't do this, find another amazing adult who can do it for you (a coach, a team leader, a teacher...).
In our family, it was canoe-camping. Teaching our kids to navigate rivers, cook on a fire, and keep themselves comfortable in terrible weather is how we fostered dependence.... until they became skilled enough to do it on their own.
Parenting takeaway:
Let your kids need you. As they grow, find ways for your kids to rely on caring and capable adults - whether it's you or someone you trust. Feeling secure that they can rely on and learn from adults is the biological stepping stone to resilience. If they get stuck in this dependence phase of development, we can look deeper and figure out why. But for many kids, it's a normal developmental stage they move through.
3. Food is More Than Fuel (And The Immune System and Gut Are Key)
Real, whole, quality food is what the body is designed to need and expect. It feeds the gut, builds immune strength, and brings information into the body.
Nutrient insufficiencies and an unbalanced gut microbiome are linked to every single chronic disease and major childhood health concerns like eczema, weight problems, anxiety, eating disorders, ADHD, and more.
Food is one of your greatest parenting allies, and if you don't already know how to use it, you'll want to spend some time learning to use it strategically.
It's not surprising, as I look back, that I was called to learn more about nutrition and physiology right around the time I became pregnant for the first time. Of course I did! And I'm glad I did. I needed to know how the body works - if I were to raise a human. And I wanted to know how to fuel it right.
Shifting from processed “kid foods” to whole, nutrient-dense meals is well worth our energy, time, and money. We get eyerolls from the kids (and even from other parents), but we put up with it and move forward. At this point, I can pretty much guarantee that your insistence on good food will lead to fewer meltdowns, better focus, and stronger immune resilience (bold, I know, but I'll stand by it).
Parenting takeaway: Food isn’t just fuel. It’s information for the body and brain. Insist on good food that fuels and protects the immune system and the microbiome. And talk with your parenting partner about how you're going to make time and space for, and budget for, food (this brings up the issue of food insecurity... absolutely. It's a topic I can't address here, but want to acknowledge).
4. Sleep is Active Brain Nourishment
Sleep isn’t just rest, it’s repair. During sleep, kids’ brains:
- Consolidate learning
- Clear toxins
- Regulate stress hormones like cortisol and insulin
- File memories
Even one poor night of sleep can disrupt blood sugar, shift gut microbes, and lower immune function.
Protecting my kids' sleep sometimes felt impossible to me, but it was, again, worth every ounce of the effort we put in. Sleep is nourishment - it’s just as crucial to let your kids sleep and rest as it is to feed them.
Parenting takeaway: Protect sleep. No screens before bed, keep a calm routine, and dim lights early. Create a sleep routine and stick to it. Say no to events if you need to, especially if your child is struggling with their health or mood.
5. The Brain Develops as the Body Moves
This one I didn't learn until later.... and it blew my mind!
Movement isn’t just exercise, nor is it random - it’s brain wiring. When babies move, they are literally wiring their brains.
If a baby is too constrained (think strollers, carseats, swings, baby carriers...) their brain suffers.
Crawling strengthens vision.
Spinning helps balance.
Climbing integrates sensory systems.
Outdoor play has even been shown to lower ADHD symptoms and anxiety.
The connection between movement and the brain is still strong for older kids - get them moving! - but I wish I had known sooner how crucial movement in those first two years was.
Parenting takeaway: Brain development depends on physical movement. Let your kids move.
6. Stress is Biological (and Everyday Inputs Matter)
Stress isn’t only emotional. Too much screen time, hidden toxins, junky food, gut problems, overpacked schedules... these fill your child's "stress bucket" and erode their capacity to handle emotional stress.
Here are some small shifts you can make to keep your stress lower and your home calmer:
- No screens during meals - it's a time to talk to each other and enjoy food
- Detox the home (swap plastic containers for glass, ditch synthetic fragrances, be mindful about your cookware...)
- Build in time, space and rest
- Pay close attention to what the kids watch and the language they hear - all imputs matter
- Use water and air filters in the home
Parenting takeaway: Learn to recognize what causes a body stress and always remember that stress isn't just emotional. Minimize hidden stressors where you can. If you think you've done this to the best of your ability and your kids are still struggling, let's talk and figure out what was missed. I talk more about this here on the podcast and HERE as well
7.Delay Devices
This is a biggie. We delayed exposure to social media, popular movies, video games and most electronics as long as we could. At first, maybe it was partly to shelter our kids, but here's why I'm glad we did.
- They have a 'lived experience' of existing without digital devices. As teens, they know how to be without their phones
- They learned to interact with people (not just 'virtual people')
- It helped us teach them to decide how they want to think about issues on their own before exposure to bias (so they can spot bias when they need to)
- It helped them stay curious
- It opened opportunity for them to work with their hands (inevitably what they do when they're "bored")
Managing devices has become even harder over the last 18 years since my first child was born. A February 2025 report dealt the shocking (but not shocking) blow that 40% of 2-year-olds have their own tablet. Turns out, this is NOT good for the brain. Looking out the window of a moving car, watching people and trees while in a stroller, looking at the faces of people... all of this helps the brain develop. And when their eyes are stuck to a screen, no matter what they're watching, they lose out.
Delaying electronics was one of the best things we did.
Final Thoughts: Progress Over Perfection
If I could go back, I’d tell my younger self this: Focus less on “not messing up” and more on building these basics:
- Safe attachment
- Healthy dependence
- Nutrient-dense food
- Quality sleep
- Daily movement
- Reducing hidden stressors
Every child is different, and every family finds its own rhythm and challenges. What I’ve shared here comes from my experience as a mom and a practitioner, and I share it hoping it helps you find more calm and clarity.
You'll land on the tactics that best fit your family. But I'll leave you with this: Days can feel messy, but it's actually the small, repeated choices, guided by intention, that shape resilient, healthy kids.
So stay focused on the big concepts.
Want to turn this into action? I’ve created a free, printable checklist with simple daily steps for all areas. 👉 Grab it here. Share it with a friend who needs support and clarity.
Related Resources
Moving Kids from Stressed To Strength
Biological Stress Load (podcast)
How to help anxious kids without meds (masterclass)
